On the day of your birth

The Creator filled countless storehouses and

stockings

With rich ointments

Luscious tapestries

And antique coins of incredible value

Jewels worthy of a queen’s dowry

They were set aside for your use

Alone

Armed with faith and hope

And without knowing of the wealth which awaited

You broke through dense walls

of poverty

And loosed the chains of ignorance which

threatened to cripple you so that you

could walk

A Free Woman

Into a world which needed you

My wish for you

Is that you continue

Continue

To be who and how you are

To astonish a mean world

With your acts of kindness

Continue

To allow humor to lighten the burden

of your tender heart

Continue

In a society dark with cruelty

To let the people hear the grandeur

Of God in the peals of your laughter

Continue

To let your eloquence

Elevate the people to heights

They had only imagined

Continue

To remind the people that

Each is as good as the other

And that no one is beneath

Nor above you

Continue

To remember your own young years

And look with favor upon the lost

And the least and the lonely

Continue

To put the mantel of your protection

Around the bodies of

The young and defenseless

Continue

To take the hand of the despised

And diseased and walk proudly with them

In the high street

Some might see you and

Be encouraged to do likewise

Continue

To plant a public kiss of concern

On the cheek of the sick

And the aged and infirm

And count that as a

Natural action to be expected

Continue

To let gratitude be the pillow

Upon which you kneel to

Say your nightly prayer

And let faith be the bridge

You build to overcome evil

And welcome good

Continue

To ignore no vision

Which comes to enlarge your range

And increase your spirit

Continue

To dare to love deeply

And risk everything

For the good thing

Continue

To float

Happily in the sea of infinite substance

Which set aside riches for you

Before you had a name

Continue

And by doing so

You and your work

Will be able to continue

Eternally

-Maya Angelou

I had a realization last night while on a date. We were talking about what it’s like to be alone and what we wanted and I couldn’t really even list something that I want. What do I want my life to look like? Umm…exactly like it looks. My therapist’s goal for me was to get to the point where I didn’t need… I didn’t need a person or people to make me complete. I didn’t ever really believe that I would get to that point because the need inside me felt so desperate and huge. But I’m here… not sure how, but definitely here. Recently I had a guy offer, “What do you want from me?” and I couldn’t think of one thing to ask for. I don’t need anything.

I think there is this sense where none of us are islands… that in a way we all need each other… that’s kind of the point of being here – to live in community, to share life with those around us. We need people to make it through life. But there’s also this sense that if we so desperately need one person to ensure our survival, we are in humongous trouble. Because that person can always leave and your survival is no longer in your hands but in his. What an awesome responsibility to put on someone else…

Last night we were talking about wanting to have someone to take care of us and I realized that as much as I have longed to be taken care of (and never really have in the way I’ve wanted), knowing that I can (and do) take care of myself is so much more comforting than having someone else to do it for me.

I’m sure the dating phase won’t last forever. I’m sure eventually I will find someone that I don’t want to live without, but I’m not really looking ahead anymore. I don’t long anymore for the next phase. Instead I’m just reveling in where I am. Soaking it up and enjoying every moment of it because this will be the only time in my life I get this chance and I don’t want to ruin it by wishing for what’s next.

Thankful. <3

Honor’s lego robot

another pic of Gertrude

giant batch of granola

last month’s pattern of the month for Tangle

being silly with Honor

science fair

science fair

some light evening reading

baby peaches on my tree in need of thinning

Eden and her buddies about to run a 5k

Carrie and I turned a terrible horrible pile of scrap wood into this. I ran the skill saw and she stacked. What a team we make.

new flowers cheering up the backyard

Eden wants to be a veterinarian.

College fund, let’s be friends…

Yes I did. And this last year, year 30, has been the very best and happiest of my life.

My lessons right now are about living in community and loving exactly where I am. I’ve seen growth in some of my friends lately, that gradual kind, like most growth is, that changes so slowly that you don’t see it at first until suddenly you are looking at a completely different version of the person you once knew. It’s been amazing to watch and walk through. It almost feels like those milestones and changes are happening to me. I imagine it’s kind of how they feel about me, especially looking back at all those months and months where they sat with me, a hollow shell of myself, waiting for the growth to creep into my life.

I had never really learned how to live in community… it wasn’t modeled to me, and I’ve always lived my life so privately, quietly, almost in secret. It’s amazing the freedom that comes from saying things out loud, admitting your fears and your failures and your heart breaks. It’s really easier than keeping it all locked up where it gnaws and claws it’s way to the light.

I can’t help but feel these lessons, and these changes, are some of the most important I’ll ever learn. I’ve come so far… so, so far from where I was. I came from total abandonment and feeling orphaned to a place where I belong. To people who love me and accept me and can argue with me and I don’t have to worry that they will leave because of it. I get the honor and pleasure of walking with them through their journeys, the happiness and heartache. I get to see God be God in their lives, working miracles tiny and large, gradual and fast.

I see redemption happening, the redemption that I’ve longed for so deeply for these past almost four years. Redemption, redemption, redemption… a word that I wrote over and over, a silent prayer that I begged for every day. It doesn’t look anything like I wanted it to or what I pictured it to be, but it is exactly what it should be, exactly what I needed it to be.

I didn’t do Easter baskets for the kids, but they did get to go on their first Easter Egg hunt and my aunt helped them dye eggs. We spent the day at my Aunt and Uncle’s house (as we do most holidays) and it was wonderful. The weather was perfect, which is so hit and miss around Western Colorado these days.

Carrie didn’t want to miss out on the kids first Easter.

My Aunt’s chickens.

My cousin was real excited about Easter.

The kids with a family friend.

Gunnison scooting backwards

I asked Siri to remind me to go get Honor…

This was my very first cell phone. My mom has it at her house for the kids to play with.

Just, you know, hiking on a Tuesday night. What a place we live in…

I got a cool letter from our Senator about the helmet liner project we do at Tangle. We’ve sent out almost 800 so far.

Experimenting with roasting Peeps. I burned myself pretty badly on the melted sugar, but roasted Peeps are amazing. The sugar coating gets all crispy and delicious.

Eden in the hospital waiting to get staples in her head. She and Honor got in a fight involving Honor getting kicked in the eye and Eden getting a metal water bottle thrown at her head. The wound was really, really gushy so Carrie drove us to the ER while I applied pressure to Eden’s head. 3 hours later, she got two staples and we got to go home.

I had the brilliant idea of baking Cadbury Eggs into cupcakes. I froze them solid before dropping them into the batter, but they still melted too much. Maybe next year I’ll just hollow out the middle of an already baked cupcake and drop one in.

Yesterday we found this ginormous Black Widow spider hanging out in the back yard.

Me at my second Fly Fishing lesson. I now know how to cast and roll cast!

Tuesday
Takeout from Pollo Azado (mmmmm)

Wednesday
Grilled chicken sausages and veggie salad

Thursday
Fend for yourself

Friday
Brazilian black beans with rice and grilled chicken

Saturday
Breaded tilapia pan fried in olive oil, spinach salad

Sunday
Roasted free range chicken and garlic, fingerling potatoes, steamed veggies

I don’t say NO very much (participating) because now is the time to try things and saying NO takes away people’s chance to welcome us into their hearts. So we celebrate holidays we’ve never celebrated. The kids went on their first-ever Easter egg hunt last weekend because I wanted them to try it and see what they thought. (They are having a little bit of hard time wrapping their head around this new phase of life.) And we go hiking and we light campfires in the back yard even though the dudes aren’t around and we clean up the yard by ourselves (because we CAN) and I sit in church all by myself (and find out that it’s one of my favorite things to do alone). And I learn to live in community, to let people lift me and the kids up when I can’t do it all.

I feel proud of myself for being a little bit brave. For wanting to try new things and not fearing the inevitable failure that might come. I feel so thankful that I am so awake, so alive. That I SEE the world around me and that I’ve found a way to be SO content in the life I live RIGHT NOW. That I’m not really wishing for much because what I have is pretty great. That I am whole and enough and loved. And that there is so much more out there to experience!

Mama Danielle looking beautiful.

the goodies lined up on the counter

We served everything on stacks of old china. My collection is ever-growing.

Our color theme was aqua and orange.

Everyone, young and old, is always impressed with chocolate covered marshmallows.

Fruit filled waffle cones are one of my most favorite things in the world.

The straws are from Shop Sweet Lulu.

mason jar’s are my favorite

I didn’t get to take pictures of Danielle opening her presents from me so she was kind enough to send these to me. A camo baby sweater with my signature orange stripe.

And a super soft blanket made from a plush yarn.