Up until a couple years ago, our normal after dinner routine would go something like this.

Wife: How was dinner?
Me: It was fine.
Wife: Just fine?
Me: Yeah, it was pretty good.
Wife: PRETTY GOOD?? What does that mean?
Me: It means it was ... pretty good.
Wife: So, was it so-so? Was it great? "Pretty good" doesn't tell me anything.
Me: It was okay, how excited do you want me to be about (enter name of food here).

This would go on for about 10 minutes. Me, feeling like I had expressed myself perfectly, however somewhere over the cosmic vastness of our dinner table, the sub-space transmission was garbled.

Now, to a male, these are perfectly normal and easy to understand terms, something is either good, fine or inedible. Going into a vast explanation of what is "good", "fine" or otherwise would be a disservice to the simplicity of this commonly accepted male food rating system. Men have no need of more descriptive terms when judging food. The exception of course, is when something greatly impressive or horrific is attained. Then it is described with an expletive, grunt or gesture appropriate for the dish.

Enter the rating system. After a while, the wife decided to start asking me to rate things from 1 to 10. 1 being something likened to eating fecal matter from the toilet, and 10 being some orgasmic concoction of the most gourmet foods conceived. This of course led to other disputes of what should be a 10 and why, in the wife's opinion, my rating system needed to be rethought. It is, however, my rating system, based on what I like and don't like and should not be used as a universal system of rating foods. That being said I will go through the numbers, each with a mention of a particular dish or short story to attempt to explain my food preferences.

1. These are foods I would never eat under any circumstances. Really, I'm serious. ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. You may say, "But what if someone was threatening to kill your children in front of you.", to which I would reply "It was nice knowing them." Foods in this category include: Any form of Squash, Asparagus, Okra and any other sludge infested weed or gourd God never intended to be ingested.

2. You will be happy to know that I would eat something at a 2 to save the little munchkins from harm's way, but grudgingly, and I would never let them live it down. "You remember that time the right-wing vegetable nazi's had you at gunpoint and I had to eat that eggplant!! NOW CLEAN YOUR ROOM!!" I would also place anything tofu related in this category.

3. Growing up, and still to this day, I somewhat loosely and non-religiously as possible, try to abstain from foods mentioned unfit in Leviticus 11. I don't see this as a big deal, more like God saying "Oh, by the way, don't eat that.. it's gross". I know some of you love your pepperoni pizza, shrimp and calamari, but I can do without garbage collectors of the earth on my plate. I have eaten pork, and hated it... although if it was a choice between pork and asparagus? I shudder in horror to even type it.

4. Now we get into the edible foods. These are things I would eat without being dared or under threat of death. Tapioca would go here, probably yams, anything that you would find in an MRE.

5. This is the slot for the so-so foods. I can't think of too many things that are so-so, most things I have an opinion about. I would say these are the foods I could care less if they fell off the face of the earth, never to be found on a menu ever again.

6. One point above "Who gives a hoot."

7. This would be reserved for foods I would respond with if asked "Do you like this?" It's not the best, but it's better than Taco Bell® or some dry Burger from Burger King®. Foods in this category would be most soups, breads and meats by themselves. Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich would find itself here.

8. This is the kind of food you would actually exert yourself to prepare. Grilled bratwurst or hamburgers, home-made pizza. You may find a desert or two in this category.

9. Obviously 9 is better than 8. I wanted to use this point to make something clear. At times a food may be a 10, but because of certain issues, it will be dropped to a 9. A perfect example is Lasagna. Now, I like Lasagna as much as the next guy, but have you ever tried to make it? It loses a point for being a pain to make. Another point loser is Fish & Chips. This would be my most favorite meal in the world, but standing over boiling oil for an hour trying to prepare the fish gets it docked a point.

10. One word. Spaghetti. Spaghetti is by far the worlds best meal. It looses no points for preparation and because it's just dang good, makes it to the number 10 slot. I would also place home-made ice-cream in this slot, just typing it makes me salivate.

Well, there you have it. The complete and unabridged version of why spaghetti is king, and why I'll miss the little ones if some winter-squash wielding terrorist comes to my door. As stated before, this is my opinion, so if you don't like it... I guess don't bother to read my ratings in the recipe pages.

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