you have to lose your life to save it

I’ve been writing this post in my head for the last two and a half years. It’s been two and a half years since Jim said he didn’t want to be with me anymore. Today he moved out and by the time this post goes live, we will have told the children that he is leaving. I dread that moment more than anything I’ve ever done.

I’ve fought so hard for this marriage, probably harder than I should have. I’ve compromised myself in ways and have been so desperate that I’m ashamed of the disrespect I’ve shown myself. I’ve been fighting for an amazing man, not seeing that I lost that man a long time ago. The man who moved out today was nothing like the one I married 11 years ago.

To say that the last 2.5 years have been difficult would, perhaps, be the biggest understatement I have ever made. The last 2.5 years have been absolutely tortuous. And I wouldn’t take a minute of it back. I’ve come such a long way while I waited in limbo. I’ve learned and accepted so much about myself and I’ve seen how God has been preparing me for this very moment. I’ve seen how, even in this, he has a plan for me and it’s good and not bad and there will be a future. I’ve been sifting through the layers of loss for so long that I feel as though I’m coming to the end… to acceptance. I’m eager, almost excited, to move forward. I don’t know what the future holds, but that’s terribly thrilling to me. I don’t really believe that life gives us do-overs, but I almost feel as though I have one. A second chance anyway.

I feel sad, but loved and very hopeful. I know we’re going to be ok. I’m worried about managing two little broken hearts, but I’m counting on grace to hold onto us – my little family that went from 4 to 3 today.

(I’m writing this not for pity or sympathy, but because, as often as I’m ashamed to admit I’ve participated in it, I detest gossip. I feel it’s better coming from the “horse’s mouth” than from someone who heard from someone else who heard from someone else. And I’m also writing this because I feel as though I’ve been living with this secret for so long. I’ve hated how protecting my family’s privacy has caused me to be unauthentic at times. Without authenticity, how can we truly have friendships? I’m ready to live my life out loud and in the light.)

Category: Jim, marriage, me, ouch 18 comments »

18 Responses to “you have to lose your life to save it”

  1. Carrington

    I love you, my sister. We’re all here, standing with you.
    I’m so proud of the progress you’ve made.
    Heal now.

  2. Becci

    Oh Allison…I’m so sorry. We’re here for you!!!

  3. Tara Gatseos

    You’re so brave, and I wish you all the best that can come from this. You guys are in my prayers. Lots of love…

  4. polkadot

    Love you sweet girl. prayer for your little ones today. xx

  5. Jessica

    The worst part about living in darkness is that it keeps God’s grace at a distance. I am so sorry that you’ll be holding the 2 little hearts as they’re breaking tonight but I know that God will give you all strength to stand. Here’s to hope and a bright future!

  6. Linds

    Oh lady. You are awesome for being so strong. Come by G* sometime and say hi, okay?

  7. Brooke

    The past 2.5 years have brought you so much growth, personally and spiritually. You have been the truest example of having faith in God that I have ever personally known. God has done an amazing work in you, and after 2.5 years I know you are ready for this change, and the plan God now has for you. I know that you have the strength to be what your children need right now, and I know that you have a testimony that shows them that God is faithful, to run to Him, that He is the Father that will never leave them. I will continue to pray for them, that in all this they will seek and find God’s will for them, that they will be comforted as only God can comfort them…

    …and I will continue to pray for Jim, for that man we all knew years ago, for the man he is today, that his heart would not become so hard that he looses more than his family. God has not given up on him…neither will I.

  8. Guin

    best of luck to you and the kiddos, I’m so sorry, but I’m sure everything will work out for the best. Feel free to call me if you need to vent to someone totally outside the situation. ((hugs))

  9. Lyssa

    Allison, you have always been a roll model in my life and even more today as I look at the wonderful strong woman you are. Many woman have given up at much smaller life issues, but you my cousin have stood strong! You’re strong for your children and you’re strong because you rely on our powerful God!!!! I love you so much Allison! I’m proud of you!!!! Stay strong dear cousin, God has some awesome plans in the work for you and your precious children!!!!! Love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  10. Cherry

    I am so sorry.
    And I so applaud your courage.
    I was fortunate to have some really great friends, read some great books, and have great family. I KNOW you do too.

  11. Elaine

    I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now & am so sorry your life took this turn. Your strength & faith have always inspired me; if you need a little of that from someone else, I see a while line of volunteers in these comments (including me). Lots of love to you & the kids. We’ll be thinking of you.

  12. Sarah Grace

    I’m so excited to see what this next chapter of your life holds, what God has in store for you!
    And I hope (I know, really) that you will not look back on these past eleven years as time wasted, but as a valuable time of growth and learning where you have been molded into the beautiful, successful, strong person you are today.
    I will continue to pray four all four of you, as you get settled into this new chapter.
    I also applaud your taking the bull by the horns and addressing the whole subject dieprectly before the rumor monster can do any damage. Good for you!
    Also, love you bunches!

  13. Jillian

    Loves – sweetheart. We are here if you need us. I know we don’t see each other often but please don’t hesitate to call if we can help in any way.

  14. Allisone

    Love and continued prayers for you all.

  15. Becky Behrens

    Allison, you are such a strong and beautiful woman and I’m looking forward to what your future holds. I’m praying for you and the kids.

  16. bookselves

    Oh lady. I think one day 2.5 years ago you said something about this on g*, and ever since then I’ve been thinking of you and hoping that your heart is safe. I’m sorry to read that things have come to a conclusion that you didn’t want. & you’re so strong. You and your little ones will do great.

    Lots of love.

  17. trudie

    Hey! I’ve fallen off the blog wagon–too much chaos in my own life. I think about you and your site often–happened by today and saw this. I admire your outlook on things! (I know what it took to get it…) We’re all more resilient than we give ourselves credit for–kids included. It will be good for them to see you both happy. :) Sending happy thoughts and prayers your way. Love to you all.

  18. alex

    My heart goes out to you, having left my husband in the fall I know some of what goes on in this process, though each is unique and as different as it is the same. I can’t wait to meet you, I remember when I first started reading your blog so long ago and because of life I have lost more touch with your life then I would like to and I hope now we might get to meet. I hope to find my way back to writing to and I am excited for you about the doors that are opening even if there is pain.

Back to top