i know now

Tonight was a rough night. The kids, overtired from being up late the night before, decided to push every boundary I had given them. They both completely melted down and I couldn’t help but find myself hating Jim a little for not being here for his kids that need him. It’s hard to live someone else’s consequences.

A few years ago, when I could acutely feel my heart ripping apart, I found this song by Switchfoot that I listened to over and over and over again. I slept with it on repeat in my headphones. Now, every time it comes on, I’m immediately transported to that time. I think sound triggers memory even better than smell.

When the few people who knew what was going on with me would ask how I was doing, I would tell them that there was still a gaping hole in me, the edges were just healing. I remember crying and feeling like there was this vortex in my chest, this sucking wound that just pulled everything into it and out of me. It felt like it would never be filled.

Tonight that Switchfoot song came on my pandora station and, trigger that it is, pulled me in. I realize now that things hurt me… it hurts to see your kids reeling from decisions that are not their own. But I don’t have that gaping wound in me any more. I feel so whole, even when I’m sad or raw. I told my therapist that I couldn’t really tell you how I got here (although I give him and Jesus a lot of credit) but I’m here. I feel healthier than I ever have in my entire life and I’m doing it without my husband.

I am just so incredibly thankful.

Only Hope – Switchfoot
There’s a song that’s inside of my soul
It’s the one that I’ve tried to write
over and over again
I’m awake and in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over and
over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
And pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now You’re my only hope

Sing to me of the song of the stars
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing
and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have
for me over again

I give You my apathy
I’m giving You all of me
I want Your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs I’m giving it back

Category: me 2 comments »

2 Responses to “i know now”

  1. cat

    I read your blog tonight. You are a spark of a person, with many talents and a big heart. Your children are SO lucky to have you for a mama.

  2. Brooke

    I remember when you weren’t sure that hole would ever not hurt, thinking the edges my eventually scar, but forever leave an empty place.

    What a testament to Jesus, that you feel- are- whole.

    You continue to inspire me, you continue to help me grow… and for that I am thankful.

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