D day

This morning, at 10am, I got divorced. Just, you know, like it was any other day. If you follow me on twitter you know that I’ve been counting down the days until D-day. Not because I am trying to make light of getting divorced (I value marriage more highly now than ever) but because I knew how significant this day would be for me. I have been waiting and waiting and WAITING for my life to be different and today it finally is. Today means I finally have the chance to have what I have been wanting (and missing) for years – a chance to be adored.

Today also marks the final step in my transformation. You know how, when people have been through some shit, they have this kind of knowing wisdom behind their eyes? I feel like I have that now – this quiet understanding of loss and grief and fear coupled with the knowledge that we humans can survive just about anything. My friend and I call it being awake.

I come out of this with a deep-seated trust in God that I never understood before. This week I have been looking at myself marveling at the amazing plan God has worked in me. Just one month ago I wasn’t quite ready for this next chapter in my life. But this week I woke up completely ready for what is next. The timing could not have been orchestrated better. I look at myself and am truly in awe at where I am. For so many years getting divorced was my very worst fear and I just lived through it. I didn’t survive it, I LIVED through it. And now I’m on the other side and I’m completely fine.

I’ve been surprised at this amazing sense of freedom I’ve been feeling. I have always loved being married and I fought SO hard to keep my marriage together. But I am SO happy to have it over. I am abundantly thankful that I get the chance to move on. I distinctly remember the day that I realized, I don’t need a husband. I still would like to have one again someday, but I don’t need one. I am complete just as I am and I am happy.

Coming through this has taught me exactly what it takes to make a marriage work – what it means to love. It has taught me how to fight and what is worth fighting for. And even though things didn’t end up the way I had originally wanted, I am so thankful for the way things are now. I’m so thankful that God knew better than me.

Today I’m taking the time to thank the amazing people who have gotten me here, to thank Jesus for saving me (from so much more than hell) and to celebrate where I am. I honestly never thought I would be here. I never thought it could be this good. When I was living in month’s long panic attacks, I never imagined that I would be here right now, so thankful for what that time did to me, in me. I don’t think I will ever cease to be amazed by the plan that was orchestrated in my life. It is truly overwhelming.

Thank you all for loving me through this.

Category: marriage, me 3 comments »

3 Responses to “D day”

  1. rhicks

    cheers sister…you are ALIVE. you are well. you are loved. i loved this post

  2. Sharon

    I LOVE this post. It resonates with me and is what I am hoping to feel…closer to God, more awake and a chance to be adored. I will refer back to it on my D-day (the date is pending but soon). Thank you for so much honesty.

  3. Noelle

    There are no words. I just read this b/c C linked to your site off of the travel blog. I cheer you on. I can remember when my parents’ D-day was final…it felt so freeing and refreshing to finally move on. There are still grievances along the way….some that as a mother you may wish would never have to be. But simply remember that God is the best Father I have ever had….and He will be the same for your two sweeties. My mom still carries guilt from the big D, but I always remind her that I would never have traded the experience of the pain and the healing for anything in the world. Because, ultimately, God is good. And He lavishes His children with good things. I pray your heart melts with His love in the coming years. You are amazing. <3

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