twelve, almost

I’ve been thinking a lot about how through this journey I’ve learned what faith really is. When I was in that place of not knowing if my husband would stay or go I finally learned that the only way I could survive that uncertainty was to completely surrender. Anyone who knows me knows that I am bossy and that I like to be in control, so giving up control over my marriage, the most important relationship to me in the world, was about the hardest thing anyone could ever ask me to do. But that was the only way. And when I finally learned how to let go, completely let go, and take blind steps forward – that’s when life opened up to me. That moment of giving up, of saying, “Ok, God, you can do what you want with me. Wherever you take me is where I’m going. I’m going to stop questioning you and I’m going to start believing that you know better than me.” – that moment was when it all changed. Accepting that is the only reason I am here today.

What I’m realizing is that getting divorced wasn’t the end of my journey in faith. I still have no idea of what my life is going to look like. I have no idea of what God has planned for me. I still have to keep taking those blind steps forward and put all my trust in him. Because he still knows better than me. And I’m seeing that I’m going to have to live the rest of my life this way. I would so much rather have control. I’d rather have a plan that I can take step by step, crossing off each milestone with a sharpie. But if I want it to be really good, I have to choose the unknown. I have to lay my heart in his hands and see what he does with me. Faith isn’t just going to be something that got me through a horrible time of my life, it’s going to have to be my oxygen. If I want to live something truly remarkable, faith is going to have to be the new way I do life.

I think life is always going to be a little scary, because it doesn’t fit into a 5 point plan. It’s always going to be about risking just enough because without risk, we never get a chance to have something amazing. And for me it’s always going to be about placing one foot in front of the other, trusting that God knows what he’s doing with me even if I have no idea what that is.

Category: heart, me 2 comments »

2 Responses to “twelve, almost”

  1. Lisa

    I admire the way you are growing your faith. Surrender…even to God…maybe especially to God!…is scary to me, and I have to force myself to let go of stuff and to trust more. I’m always glad when I do, but it’s just hard for me.

    You are an amazing person. Thank you for sharing some of your journey here; I am saying a prayer for you and your children, for joy and strength on this new life path!

  2. rhicks

    love this

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