the judgmental eye of the superior
It’s been a tough week. A judgmental week. I posted last week what a hard time I was having with Honor. Which he quickly proved by making us go to the hospital. Well, nothing has really changed. Things just kind of suck. It’s hard to talk about things on my website because well, people read my website. But if I can’t say what I feel on my website, where can I say it? I need to have at least one place where I can really be myself, I need to say what I feel.
I pretty much always feel like I’m a crappy mom. There are things that I don’t do that I wish I would. I’d really like to teach Eden to recognize her letters. I really want to teach Honor more sign language. I want to be a better housekeeper, I want to be more organized and able to help more with the business. I wish I wouldn’t get so frustrated with these kids all the time too.
So feeling like I’m doing a rotten job is not helped by other peoples criticism and unwanted “advice”. I don’t know why I have a hard time with things that other people can do easily. But I do. It just makes it SO HARD to constantly have people point it out. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t leave trails of candy leading to the toilet so Honor will go play in it. And although my house is usually messy, we don’t live in a slum. I’m trying, really I am, I’m not doing great, but telling me so (or emailing me so) doesn’t help anything. It’s hard enough doing this without feeling like the whole world thinks I’m doing a bad job of it.
I don’t understand why, after I already admitted that I am having a hard time. certain people will go and kick me while I’m down. I don’t need to be told what I already know. I already know it. I don’t need the judgmental eye of the superior looking down on me. I’m doing a good enough job of judging myself.
Category: parenting struggles 13 comments »
January 21st, 2005 at 11:01 am
Oh man, you’re having such a hard time! It’s ironic, because I remember when I found your blog, I was like, “man, this woman has it totally together”. THEN, I found out that you are over a decade younger than me and have it all together. To me, you seem like a wonderful mother. It’s HARD to have little kids, that’s just the bare truth. If other people can’t remember that, that is their problem. You are doing a GREAT job.
January 21st, 2005 at 12:56 pm
Hi Allison
Just wanted to tell you, that I a think you are doing an amazing job, it’s hard and I’m the first to admit that. I’m 27 with 2 of my own but feel like I’m 18 living the life of most of my 35 yr. old friends. from what I can see It doesn’t really change much, they still feel 25 and frequently call me for advice. We are all young at heart, but have alot of responsibilities reaising kids and trying to run a home. Personally I feel very similar to what you have said and I think most moms do. Just give yourself a little more credit, nobody thinks this job is easy, and nobody is perfect.
I’m not sure this comment made a whole lotta sense but the Myles is screaming in the backround and I have to go tend to the genuine monster!
January 21st, 2005 at 3:34 pm
OH GIRL… I just have to tell you… (I should have told you earlier!) When I watched your kiddo’s the other day my thoughts after they left were -WOW these kids have a great home life because they are so well behaved. I was truly impressed by Eden’s speech and Honor’s sweet spirit. You can tell so much about a childs home life by how they act and please they were angels. Now at home with mom is a different ball game. Of course they’ll be onry – all our kids are onry for their own mom’s – that’s part of their job description! We’ve all felt like you do many times – most of us just aren’t as ballsy as you to actually say so. I admire that you can publicly admitt your faults – but your many amazing qualities out weigh your faults by a million. YOU ARE AN AWESOME MOM, WIFE and FRIEND! I know this for a fact. Keep your head up kid – it will all pass! LOVE YA!
January 21st, 2005 at 4:52 pm
guilt is part and parcel of motherhood, as far as i can tell…my children are 22 & 24 years old, and i’ve been awash with guilt over all the things i did wrong (or didn’t do, or didn’t do *enough*, or didn’t do *well enough*) for as long as i’ve been a mother. (how’s that for encouraging?!)
eventually, you have to accept being a good-enough mother. not perfect. not great. maybe not even always “good.” just good *enough*. that’s all any of us can really hope to achieve, and in the end, that’s really all our children need.
i’m sure you’re doing a fine job. give yourself a break, ESPECIALLY when you aren’t getting one anywhere else!
and take heart in the fact that, when your children reach their teenage years, you won’t be able to do *anything* right no matter *how* hard you try.
my motto: “i’m the mother; of COURSE it’s my fault!” :)
January 21st, 2005 at 5:04 pm
I think you should out these mean emailer dooce style. No one has the right to make you feel like an unfit mother. I maynot have children but I understand the judgement thing. And nothing gets me more riled up than judgementaly know it alls. Let me at them. I am not just telling you thins because it is what you need to hear, I am telling you thins becasue it is the truth. You are a good mother, that is your life, and just becasue you may ar may not do thing a bit different than someone else , gives them no right. Every child is different and they don’t come with instructions. And ok this is my last point if you can have a little hummor about what your child throws in the toilet then whats the point! Go easy on yourself, Allison!
January 21st, 2005 at 6:41 pm
I wish I knew your life more personally so that I would be able to give you some more detailed encouragement. I think you are doing a terrific job, my dear. From what I have seen, you care about your children a great deal and are a wonderful keeper of your home. I’ve seen you plan nutritious meals for them on this website, I’ve seen you lovingly handknit them clothes. I’ve seen you care for their home by creating a comfy, efficient kitchen. And look how you’ve cared for Honor by updating your bathroom so that he has a creative work environment! You are so attentive to your children. You are truly giving to them of yourself.
I know how small children can take you to your absolute limit. I’ve seen my friends rip their hair out, I’ve ripped out my own, and now it is your turn! Hearing your stories has encouraged me in knowing that most every mother has moments like this in her day.
And have good cheer–Honor will most likely NOT be dropping things in the toilet when he’s 12! There is always that day to look forward to!
And I hope that I have not inadvertently been one of those to offer unwanted advice or criticism.
January 21st, 2005 at 6:46 pm
Wow, Allison. I knew you were frustrated, but I didn’t know it had gotten this bad. How can I know if you don’t tell me? I feel you with all of my heart. I am right there in your shoes. I can’t even write this without tears streaming down my face… I know you are going to think – why does she always have to make it about her?, but I am a little hurt that you would post this on the www before you would talk to me about it. I feel like I shared myself with you…anyway, you are a good mother and other people are probably just jealous of the relationship that you have with your husband and your children. Things could be worse, ya know. I know that is the last thing you want to hear right now, but I hear it all of the time, so I feel the need to share. I mean you could be working 40 hours a week outside the home, and be going to college full-time, and trying to be the best mother you are to your two kids and three step-kids. Your roof could be falling in with gallons of water leaking in your house, and your husband could have an ex suing you guys for seven grand and five hundred a month in support. On top of all of that you could have conflict at work, conflict at home, conflict at school… Sometimes you do feel like you have cheated someone, and it hurts. But, let me tell you, you are an awesome friend and the best cousin I have. Even if we are only talk on the internet, I trust you, and you can trust me just the same. You are talented, nurturing, and on top of it. You have accomplished so much more than most will in their whole life. I love you, and I hope you are not mad at me after I post this. Sometimes I say things that I wish I could take back later, Johnny says it is a bad quality I have. I am here for you, and I hope that you will email me or something.
January 21st, 2005 at 10:06 pm
All I can say is to hang in there. I am dealing with three teens and one preteen, and there are many days that I want to run for the border. Sometimes I miss the period when they were little.
January 22nd, 2005 at 12:01 am
Wow. I’m sorry that you feel so down. It’s difficult to hear perfect strangers telling you that you’re not a good mom, or whatever, but please remember that these people don’t know you at all. They have no idea what they’re even talking about, and anyone that would send you a nasty e-mail is doing it because they need to get a life of their own instead of trying to tell other people how to live theirs. You are so obviously a GREAT mom, and you’re a good person, too, and I knew that about you from Glitter, before I even started reading your blog. Sometimes people are mean and spiteful because they’re ignorant and don’t know any better, and sooner or later EVERY blog gets those kinds of comments. I wish I could better convey what I’m trying to say, but I hope you get the gist of it. ((((hugs))))
January 22nd, 2005 at 9:15 am
Hey Allison, don’t let these strangers on the internet get you down. There is no way in hell that those who are criticizing you can ever comprehend the totality of your life. The things you share online are a fraction of what actually goes on in your house, kwim? For some odd reason, people on the internet read one blurb about someone’s life and assume that their whole life operates like that 24/7. Besides, if those who are writing to you, criticizing you, think that they are perfect parents then they are delusional. Plain and simple. De-lusion-al.
Kids are frustrating. They can make us laugh, cry and scream. Sometimes all in the same moment.
I know your entry today was more about those who feel compelled to kick you when you’re down but I want you to know that it is okay to feel what you are feeling. I often say that there is a reason kids are cute. It’s to keep their parents from selling them to the next passing gypsy ;)
January 23rd, 2005 at 8:20 am
I think EVERY mom goes through this. And if they say they don’t, well, they are just liars! Everything you have said has gone through my mind. I think the people who are judgmental are just covering their own insecurities jackasses! Your not alone!
January 24th, 2005 at 6:47 pm
You are being WAAY to hard on yourself. You are obviously a wonderful mother and wife. I have 3 kids, 2 are step kids and they are all mine 24/7. My house is always a disaster, dishes always need to be done, there is always something. I try my hardest to keep everything going and you are doing a great job of keeping it going. Whenever you feel down just think about what it would be like if you weren’t there to take care of them. Yeah, they would really live in slum. Smile and know that one day they will be all grown up and you will be on vacation somewhere beautiful with your husband!
:)
January 26th, 2005 at 6:06 pm
I have to agree with one of the other posters – I cannot believe that there is not one mother out there that has NOT gone through something similar. I know my mother was one of those “liars” out there pretending that everything was okay – that is pure denial. Sooner or later it comes back and bites you in the butt.
I refuse – REFUSE – to pretend that everything is okay. I think it freaks my family out. I tell it like it is. If they cannot handle it then they should not ask how things are going, etc. Life IS difficult or else we would all die from boredom.
We are only one person. You and other mothers with more than one child are my heroes. I can barely take care of the one I have now. I collapse each night from exhaustion and my son is only 5.5 months. Reading about how sometimes you just roll with it helps me appreciate that it is okay to be a frustrated crazy hair-pulling Mimi mom – that is life.
To this day it amazes me how naïve our society is with their motion picture notions of motherhood. It just is not like that – period. That does not make our lives any less wonderful. We may experience turbulence, but we know how to ride out the worst when we cannot see the end in sight.
I am embarrassed for those people that feel the need to attack you about your parenting (or anything else for that matter). It has been my experience that those that attack the most and hardest are the ones NOT dealing with their own issues – period.
Be strong. Big hug. Much love.