I think that we can safely say that I’ve solidly entered the dating phase of my journey. Gosh, it’s terribly fun… so this is what I missed out on by getting married at 18 and skipping college.

I had a realization last night while on a date. We were talking about what it’s like to be alone and what we wanted and I couldn’t really even list something that I want. What do I want my life to look like? Umm…exactly like it looks. My therapist’s goal for me was to get to the point where I didn’t need… I didn’t need a person or people to make me complete. I didn’t ever really believe that I would get to that point because the need inside me felt so desperate and huge. But I’m here… not sure how, but definitely here. Recently I had a guy offer, “What do you want from me?” and I couldn’t think of one thing to ask for. I don’t need anything.

I think there is this sense where none of us are islands… that in a way we all need each other… that’s kind of the point of being here – to live in community, to share life with those around us. We need people to make it through life. But there’s also this sense that if we so desperately need one person to ensure our survival, we are in humongous trouble. Because that person can always leave and your survival is no longer in your hands but in his. What an awesome responsibility to put on someone else…

Last night we were talking about wanting to have someone to take care of us and I realized that as much as I have longed to be taken care of (and never really have in the way I’ve wanted), knowing that I can (and do) take care of myself is so much more comforting than having someone else to do it for me.

I’m sure the dating phase won’t last forever. I’m sure eventually I will find someone that I don’t want to live without, but I’m not really looking ahead anymore. I don’t long anymore for the next phase. Instead I’m just reveling in where I am. Soaking it up and enjoying every moment of it because this will be the only time in my life I get this chance and I don’t want to ruin it by wishing for what’s next.

Thankful. <3

Category: heart, me One comment »

One Response to “independence”

  1. sadie rose

    do it girl!! you are on the right track. golden.

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