(I’ve been doing this since 2005.)

2013 in a nutshell: Bittersweet. High highs and low lows. Or the year that I learned to trust again.

2013 was my most bittersweet year. I started to see redemption that I had previously only hoped for, not knowing exactly what that hope-realized would even look like. I also saw nearly everything in my life balanced carefully on a precipice, about to fall, about to be lost. My faith and ability to hope eluded me for awhile and things got really dark. I spent over a month in constant tears, lashing out like a wounded animal at everyone who tried to help me. Even with everything that happened with my marriage, I don’t think that I’ve ever dealt with so much fear. Because of everything that happened with my marriage, I had to relearn how to trust. It was hard.

Bitter
Somehow I forgot all that I’ve been through. How I begged God to save my marriage but what he gave me was something so much better. I forgot to be thankful for what I’ve been through and for the huge lessons I’ve learned. I think that even though all this time I’d been choosing to trust that things would be ok, I’d still been secretly believing that good things don’t happen to me. Too many difficult things built up and I stopped hoping that things could ever be better. I found myself more afraid than I’d ever been, feeling like I was going to lose it all.

I think this was all triggered by my fear of trusting Josh. When the newness of the relationship wore off and we started to face a little reality, I started to realize that the last thing I wanted to do was risk my heart again. I have a customer at the yarn shop who once told me about her divorce. She told me it took a full seven years before she was over it. I couldn’t believe that at the time, but now, halfway into year six, I’m seeing how many layers of loss and healing there are to peel through. But getting over a person and the way it tore my family a part seemed easy compared to letting myself risk it happening again. Relationships are such a relinquishment of power. Scary. And it’s been hard to see this relationship with a fresh lens rather than through the lens of my past.

To top it all off, the kid’s dad broke up with his girlfriend of 2 years in the exact way he ended things with me. Nearly to the letter. There were flashbacks that I never wished to relive. The kids had to go through anther divorce-like situation, having someone move out, losing again. It was really hard to watch and completely out of my control.

Sweet
Josh has been everything that I had ever hoped for but never knew was possible. He has been constant and steadfast, never wavering in his love or commitment to me. I know that it has been very hard on him to see me struggle, but he did exactly what I needed him to: He proved his love over and over again. It wasn’t fair, but it was exactly what I needed. He had to fight for my trust, but he’s earned it, completely. He’s done the same thing for the kids too. There were really difficult moments with them, but he was just as steadfast. He proved over and over to them, too, that they were loved, he was there for them and that things would be good.

We’ve had some amazing moments, bright and shining in my mind that have made the whole year worth it both with our community and together. I think about moments when his eyes would get all sparkly and I would know I was loved in ways that are still so foreign to me that I still can’t quite believe it’s actually true. I’m finally letting myself believe that I’m loved and on the same team with someone and that redemption is happening.

Travel
• We took the kids on their very first airplane trip to California. They got to fall in love with the ocean and Disneyland. We traveled up the coast to visit my friend Joelene and her family, stopping at every beach along the way. My friend Amy once told me that she starts to get itchy if she doesn’t see the ocean every year or so and now I feel the same way. I nearly cried when we left Hwy 1 and headed towards LA, craning my head for one last look at the ocean.
• in July we headed to Wyoming for the Thompson Family Reunion, the first on my mom’s side. Even though I might be the black sheepiest of the whole family, I was the only one who could manage to get everyone together. It was a significant time for me, looking at all my heritage, connecting to cousins that I haven’t seen in years and learning from my Uncle, the original black sheep, how to fit into my family.
• Went with Brooke and the kids on our annual Spring Break trip to Ouray.
• Josh and I went to the front range to see Churchill at the Ogden Theater and Shiny Toy Guns in Colorado Springs. Then for my birthday we got to see The Lumineers at Red Rocks.
• Camped with Caleb and Rickelle at Champman Dam Campground above Reudi Reservoir.
• Camped with 25 people in the desert, along the Green River for the first annual Riverpalooza.

We celebrated
• Eden’s 11th Birthday
• Carrie’s Baby Shower
• Eden being accepted in the Challenge Program
• Valentines day with a homemade brunch.
• Easter with lunch at Aunt Annie’s house.
• Caleb’s birthday
• Carrie’s 29th birthday.
• Brooke & Gunnison’s birthdays
• Rickelle’s birthday
• labor day weekend at the lake with Seth and Carrie
• Honor’s 10th Birthday.
• My 32nd Birthday
• Fall with two trips to the corn maze. One with the adults at night and one with the kids during the day.
• Josh’s 32nd Birthday
• Halloween with a pumpkin carving party and trick-or-treating downtown.
• The birth of my new nephew
• Thanksgiving at home with my mom and our traditional pie for breakfast followed by a hike.
• Seth’s 30th birthday.
• Early Christmas with my sister and her family.
• Christmas at our house with our first real tree.
• Brian’s birthday
• New Years Eve with poker at my house full of people we love.

Me
• I participated in the 21 Day Challenge twice, losing a decent amount of weight and body fat each time.
• Helped Brian plan and pull of The West, a one day, local leadership conference.
• Instituted a super-silly duck face week.
• Started to question some of my theology. This was a huge year for really examining what I believe and why.
• Started doing some design work on the side, got to design the billboard for Downtown Grand Junction and all of the holiday ads plus a bag for farmers market.
• Mysteriously injured my ribs in June and was unable to lift weights at the gym for the rest of the year. Cried about this more than once. Also, gained 10lbs.
• Knitted a whole slew of hats to sell at some of the local shops around town.
• Started doing a teeny bit of public speaking for the Good Samaritan Clinic.

We
• Instituted bimonthly date night trips to the nearby hot springs.
• Attended the first two meetings of the West Slope Supper Club.
• Had a baby. Ok, Carrie had a baby. But he’s mine too.
• rafted a lot
• Took the twinzies to the aquarium for their 4th birthday.

Josh
• Moved to Grand Junction to live closer to me. (a block and a half away to be exact.)
• Rented out a super cool office with Seth.
• Learned a little something about phpmyadmin from ME!
• Got a new tattoo for his birthday.
• Established himself as a member in our little community, making everyone fall in love with him.

Honor
• Saved up for a helicopter so he could fly one like Josh and Seth.
• Turned 10.
• Adopted some crayfish that he kept alive for several months until they tragically died when we got the house sprayed for black widows.
• Got glasses.
• Learned how to ride a bike.
• Took huge steps forward in his behavior and his general adjustment at life. I blame Josh for this.
• Got really into Minecraft and learned all kinds of things about programing and servers.

Eden
• Graduated from 5th grade.
• Started wearing adult sized clothes and shoes
• Turned 11
• Started middle school and started wearing (occasionally) makeup.
• Made a website.
• Sang the cups song at the school talent show.
• Had her first out-of-raft experience on a rapid in Glenwood Canyon. But Brian was with her and everyone lived.
• Got bit by a bug during Riverpalooza and got really sick with a high fever and really swollen bite. Was treated for Lyme disease. Still alive.
• Got accepted in to the honors choir at school. (Not her brothers choir, the choir for kids who are really good.)

House
• Josh helped me build a new headboard for my room and wire up a chandelier that I had found at a yardsale.
• Dug a legit firepit for the backyard.

Tangle
• Had a little makeover as we rearranged the shop.
• had underwater themed windows for the summer. The most loved of all of our window designs to date.
• Installed Knit on the Corner for the 4th year in a row.
• Celebrated our 7th birthday.
• Struggled a little bit through the summer as all of downtown felt the delayed effects of the economy but came back through fall and winter really strong.

Good Samaritan Clinic
• Decided that we didn’t want to continue to pay high rent for the clinic so moved a couple times into donated spaces.
• Hired me on as official staff at the church to run the clinic as my official role as Director.
• celebrated our 2nd year of offering free medical care to our community.
• Saw 430 patients.

Every picture I posted in 2013:

Some of my favorite tweets from last year: