believing what is true

Last night I spent over an hour with Honor reminding him of who he really is. That he is smart and kind and sweet and brave and good at math and reading and computers. He’s been believing the lies that the kids in his class are telling him: that he’s stupid, that he’s a “book worm” (apparently a high insult), that he’s not athletic. Aside from the mama-bear rage that this incites in me, I also feel guilt.

I’m telling Honor all of these things that I know are true about him, telling him over and over again to believe the truth about himself, not the lies other people tell, and I worry that he got this propensity from me. I had to laugh at the irony of ME telling this to anyone. Last time I saw my therapist he asked me, “When are you going to start believing that you’re a really cool person?”

I think Honor and I both get caught up in the fact that, yes, people are actually communicating things that are not true to us: That we are unimportant or stupid, unloved or un-liked, that we are not worth someone’s time, love or attention. I think I needed someone to acknowledge to me, YES, this is actually what someone is saying to you with their actions. Yes, Honor, they are telling you lies. Yes, it’s actually happening, it’s not all in your head. You are validated.

I told Honor last night that when someone tells him that he’s bad at math that that’s actually pretty funny because he isn’t bad at math, we’ve got the test scores to prove it. I asked him what he would think if someone told me I was bad at knitting. That’s pretty ridiculous, I’m not, I’ve got the sweaters to prove it. I wanted to normalize to him that people can say things that we don’t have to believe.

I think I have some pretty deep and valid abandonment issues so my default is to always believe that I’m unimportant, unloved, alone. All I want so deeply is to be considered. I’ve come to see that my problem is that I only believe the truth about myself when someone is telling me that I’m important, loved, surrounded.

I need to believe those things are true.
Even when someone is telling me that they’re not.

It’s hard to be 11 and on your way to middle school where the kids are only going to get meaner. (It’s hard to be 33, too.) I want so badly to instill these concepts into Honor now, to give him an inner peace that will get him through anything. I don’t want him to have to be learning these lessons in adulthood when he has 30 years of baggage and lies to wade through. I hope, hope, hope that undoing 33 years of lies I’ve so willingly swallowed will give me the wisdom to help Honor learn to believe what is true about himself.

When am I going to start believing that I’m a really cool person? I think now sounds good.

Category: heart, Honor, ouch One comment »

One Response to “believing what is true”

  1. Debbie Hudnall

    Oh yes Allison, you’re a very cool person! Honor is too, he’s a little fox, a lady killer, in a good way. I believe he will evolve and people will wonder, “Where did he come from!” Eden reminds me a a beautiful Mermaid Butterfly.. Likewise, she is blooming, and all her beauty will splash around everywhere that she chooses, to delicately grace with her presence!

    I LOVE that you work to dismantle the lies Honor has had tossed at him! Is there *something* he would be interested in doing this summer? Like somewhere that he could expand his peers and friends? Reading club? Hiking group? Lego club? Something new to try out, and hopefully gain some brand new friends and more interests!

    Hint: I bet that most people ( that don’t know your story) would ever know you struggle from a bunch of lies Allison. Knowing a little of your story and the deep heartbreaks, of course youve been wounded! Sadly, Lies take hold and gain ground much easier inside of wounds! I am going to be praying that Every lie will lose the ground/wound its planted in, and replaced with beautiful truths of how awesome you are!

    Just want you to know, You come across as so very striking, confident, talented, kind and of course busy, when I met you.

    I hope soon some chill fun stuff, camping again, with camp fires, being out in nature again and lots of friends to hang out with. We wish we could hang out with all of you!

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