Perception
I’ve always had a hard time writing about things that don’t make me look like a person who has it all together. My whole life I’ve been concerned about peoples perception of me. I wanted to be percieved as a great student – but I didn’t care about my school work. I wanted to be perceived as a great Christian – and while God is the cornerstone of my life, many times my words and actions were what I thought a Good Christian Girl should be saying and doing. God hates lip service. I don’t think that God is trying to fit us each into a little Christian shaped box, he made us who we are and that’s who he expects us to be.
I think that every parent wants to be perceived as being great at what they do, as never having a difficult time with their children, as always loving their job – and it’s hard, you never want someone to think that you’re not great at parenting because your children become the core of who you are. I have a harder time being a mom than some people do.
I think perhaps money is the hardest thing to be honest about. I think everyone wants to appear that they are financially All That. It’s some sort of mega status symbol – and why? It could be gone tomorrow. It’s more than that, money is how you survive, it’s how you define your lifestyle. It’s how you send your kids to swimming lessons or your husband to the doctor. It’s what decides what kind of house you live in, what kind of car you drive, what kind of clothes you wear. It determines your success in life. Everyone wants to appear to have it, and nobody does. We can get to the point in our life where we’re honest about every other aspect of life, but never money. Why? Why can’t I say, I’m more worried about how we’re going to pay for Jim to go to the doctor than finding out what’s actually wrong with him?
Maybe it’s because we fear judgment more than failure.
And I’m tired of it. I can only be myself and I am not going to apologize for that anymore. I can only live MY life, and I’m not going to try and look like it’s something different than what it is. I think in life when you come to terms with WHO you are, you take a stand on that person. That is the point where you cannot change the way you are perceived, because you’re committed to being yourself. I think I’m nearing that point. And it’s a good thing.
Category: me 10 comments »
August 29th, 2005 at 8:50 am
“I have a harder time being a mom than some people do. ”
You only think that because of the way other people want to be perceived.
August 29th, 2005 at 9:03 am
Preach it, Sister! You are an inspiration to us all.
August 29th, 2005 at 10:15 am
Try, really hard, not to be hard on yourself. I say this, knowing that each of us is harder on ourselves than anyone else is. As long as you are honest with yourself, your thoughts will be free and you’ll sleep well. Hang in there during this tough time. I will really try to get to the post office today. Your yarn is waiting for you!
August 29th, 2005 at 10:18 am
Wow. All that could have come from me. I’ll be thinking about you today. (I’ve been reading different people’s blogs on and off since I joined Glitter. Sometimes in doing so, I feel as though I’m listening in on a conversation that’s not meant for me and I wonder if it’s appropriate to respond to something that moves me.)
August 29th, 2005 at 11:49 am
GOOD FOR YOU! i have to say i’m getting there myself. it’s weird–i’ve been on much better terms with myself since my mother has chilled out about my shortcomings a bit. loo’s right–it’s amazing what an effect other people’s game faces and how they want themselves to be perceived has on YOU. i’m not really sure i think that money is the root of all evil exactly, but it sure as heck causes a lot of headache…
August 29th, 2005 at 12:19 pm
WOW! Isn’t it amazing that what others think about us can have so much influence on us? As much as I say they don’t, deep down you do want others to think well of you — in all aspects of you life. It is only when you are close enough to someone that you realize that they don’t really have it all together, and it is ok because in actuality — no one has it ALL together. That realization helps me not be so hard on myself. Nobody has it all together so why should I think that I would? God created each of us to be different with different strengths, so that we can compliment each other — make each other better.
You are an amazing friend that has so many strengths! You compliment me well! But we are all still human so of course we have difficult times, but thanks be to GOD who always causes us to triumph! SO hang in there!
August 29th, 2005 at 7:36 pm
IM pretending to be sane too. weird how so matter how you reach out to somthing even a search engine or rollie polly you find what you weren’t expecting. I just searched pretending. nice. you live and you burn.
August 29th, 2005 at 8:16 pm
I know times are hard, but this too shall pass. It’s during these difficult seasons that God shows us what we’re made of. He shows us we can do a whole lot more than we ever thought we could. And when it’s all over you look back and you say, “Wow God, You think so much more of me than I do of myself and it that time you realize your worth and the worth that God has given to You. We are standing with you right now. Don’t forget to lean on God and follow the direction He’s leading you – even if it seems the hardest thing to do.
You are an awesome woman of God and You will overcome this season of your life.
August 29th, 2005 at 9:24 pm
“Why can’t I say, I’m more worried about how we’re going to pay for Jim to go to the doctor than finding out what’s actually wrong with him?”
Mark may have fractured his arm today and you know what my first thought was? Do we have enough money to pay for the ER? (Our insurance is a PPO and it doesn’t kick in until we pay a certain amount).
And yeah, it’s hard on all of us hon. You’re probably just as screwed up as the rest of us… ;)
August 30th, 2005 at 7:28 am
So glad to know there is another mom out there who thinks being a mom is as hard as I do! Thanks for your blog – it was very comforting!