the sanctity of marriage
A friend and I were talking yesterday about how our parents divorces have effected us, even into our adulthood. And it got me wondering, To what extent are parents obligated to make their marriage work for their children?
My sister and I requested that our mom divorce our dad. But I think we had this fairy tale idea that a divorce would make everything better. It made some things better, some things worse and everything different. I guess I still wish that my parents were married with a good marriage. And I’m sad that it was never a possibility.
There’s no point in time when divorce doesn’t effect the kids, Jim was 26 when his parents got divorced. I have adult friends whose parents are still married, and I know it would just rock their entire world if their parents got divorced.
In the end, I just really hope that my kids never have to deal with figuring out which parent they will invite over for Thanksgiving, worrying about how their parents will act if they are in the same room together, wondering if it is their fault, and wishing things were different.
I know that I’m only coming at this from the child’s perspective, but I’d like to hear your thoughts on divorce. What would be your criteria for getting divorced? How has divorce effected you? Would you stay married just for the sake of your children? When do you think divorce is a better option than staying married?
Category: marriage 15 comments »
June 8th, 2006 at 10:08 am
I haven’t been personally effected by divorce so I can’t answer that one.
I believe the only thing that would lead me to a divorce would be infidelity…wait, and domestic violence. I don’t think I would want to stay together “for the kids” but I don’t know that at all right now.
Some people don’t realize that marriages do take work and sacrifice and that we are not characters in some Lifetime movie. But I also believe that if you are truly unhappy staying together will only do more harm than good…for everyone involved.
I don’t know, I think I am babbling now.
So…to put it plainly…divorce is a better option than marriage if your marriage is making you miserable. When you are miserable those around you become miserable too.
the end
June 8th, 2006 at 10:18 am
When I was first married, I believed I would never get divorced unless my husband cheated on me or beat me or the children. Over 91/2 years, though, he became emotionally abusive and controlling to the point of monitoring my letters, email, driving and phone calls. He called me a bad mother for wanting to take advantage of my education to work. He told me that I would go straight to hell for it. Things became so horrible that the environment in which the children were being raised was *so* not how I wanted them to grow up. It tore me apart, guilt-wise, to get a divorce, but it was the best thing for me and for these wonderful children. I was judged by the people in my church, I was judged by my neighbors and parents in my children’s schools and eventually most of them came around as they got to know my ex through various community/school activities. Now, eight years later, my children are wonderfully well-adjusted and my ex and I try to work together on all issues so that the children don’t have to feel weird about any issues, or us being in the same room, or whatever. I still don’t like the idea of divorce, but sometimes you have to do it for your own mental health and the mental health of the children you are raising.
June 8th, 2006 at 10:20 am
Heck of a question for ME to answer!
1. If the parents are better, happier people without each other they should divorce. I’d rather have a harmonious single parent home than a tumultuous two-parent household.
2. I think parents are obligated to act as a unit, married or not. They may not always be a couple, but they will always be the parents of their kids. And no fake crap, either. Suck it up and enjoy the children, regardless of who has to be there at the same time.
3. Regarding how far should parents go to stay together, I think parents should try to work things out as much as possible. Get counseling, make contracts with each other, try to work things out together.
4. I would never stay married for the sake of the kids. I don’t see the point in letting them see unhappiness and faking it only goes so far for so long before it wears you down. I would stay close so visitation isn’t a problem, though.
My parents divorced when I was 19 (brothers were 21 and 15). It was a very respectful split and in the 8 years that have followed, we spent holidays as a unit. The both of them even visited us at the same time a couple months ago. However, their relationship had dissolved into friendship. There was no cheating or lying or intense disrespect that caused a divorce, just falling out of love, I guess.
June 8th, 2006 at 11:02 am
My parents had a very nice divorce, something that I don’t see much of. After the divorce we continued to spend all holidays together (both mom and dad are always there…even on Mother’s and Father’s Day). We would have birthdays together as a family. It was nice to never have to worry if my mom and dad would get a long, or if they could handle being in the same room for the special occasion. My parents aren’t friends (they don’t talk much out side of holidays or birthdays), but somehow they managed to keep a feeling of family in tacked for all of our sakes.
Now i look at my parents and can’t imagine them together…I don’t know how they made it work while they were married.
June 8th, 2006 at 12:04 pm
Whoa! What a big issue! It’s so weird, as I was just discussing this very issue with my mom yesterday…(really, I’m beginning to believe thought processes DO float around in the air.)
I don’t know if I could even begin to answer any of these questions with any sort of authority, much less knowledge, seeing that I’ve not been directly affected by divorce- but I know many people who have been.
My thoughts on divorce are still very much in development and may never reach a definitive state of opinion (if that makes any sense whatsoever.) That being said, I think that each situation is different. I think the covenant of marriage needs to be addressed in each situation, and if vows are being broken, and cannot be mended, maybe a split should happen. I don’t think anyone should ever, ever put up with any type of physical, mental, spiritual or emotional abuse.
As for me- my marriage is my top priority under God alone. To me, it is something worth fighting for, and I have put a lot of time and hard work into it. I have an awesome husband who treats me like a queen, and things can still be very difficult at times. I have a rule for myself though, I will never ever say the “D” word to my husband, whether it’s just a joke or an ultimatum, or a threat. It is one of the many precautions I have taken to protect my marriage. And so far, I have been blessed enough not to encounter anything that I think would ever warrant …um…the “D” word.
Just my humble opinion ; )
June 8th, 2006 at 3:00 pm
Al, right now I can even begin to answer this. All I know is it sucks to even think about. I am not sure where the line in the sand is, ESPECIALLY regarding whats best for the kids
June 8th, 2006 at 10:04 pm
Divorce eh? My parents were married for 36 years before announcing a few weeks before my wedding that they were going to get divorced.
They were never good together, I remember lots of fights with dishes flying thru the air and harsh words flying even further. I think had they learned to truely forgive one another and not relive the past or try to “one up” the other one, they maybe could’ve made it work. Who knows tho.
As for myself, I had my oldest before getting married so his dad and I have always functioned (for the most part) as a unit and have remained friends. But having a newborn now, I see how important it is to have a husband thru the process. I think my oldest and I have a connection that’s like no other, but I get why God made things the way he did.
For myself, we almost didn’t make it thru the first few years of marriage, but thanks to many prayers and God himself, we’re a very happy family.
I don’t think people should stay married for the kids. Kids pick up on the unhappiness and tend to take it with them into their adult lives and relationships. I think you should work on the marriage, yes, but not stay if that’s your only reason.
I guess I could go on and on, but I’ll spare you. =)
June 9th, 2006 at 1:30 am
hey,
I’m definitely coming down on the side of ‘not staying together for the kids’ – my parents did that, and i spent my childhood growing up in a house where my parents spent most of their time in different rooms, and barely spoke to each other. I know there are myriad ways that this has affected how i look at relationships, and really wish it hadn’t been like that. Who wants to see their parents unhappy? not me anyway.
i’m not married myself, and have pretty much shied away from the whole idea. I would also wholeheartedly agree that abuse/violence is a reason to leave a marriage (or indeed any other relationship). Infidelity i think (and have seen) can be dealt with by some people, i’ve never knowingly been the victim of it in a relationship, and am honestly not sure how i would react.
June 9th, 2006 at 4:20 am
I am staying married now for the children. I love my husband, but I know that I would be happier probably with someone whose values more closely represent my own. We’ve been together since highschool, and we’ve grown very different.
We have two kids and just bought a house together. I love him really, but I often think about how nice it would be to be married to someone less like anti social, more hard working, etc.
I’d never leave him though. We have a family together. I love our family.
June 9th, 2006 at 8:08 am
Yikes! Okay, I have thoughts, but they’re long, so bear with me.
My parents separated when I was 6 and spent 3 years in mediation finalizing their divorce. Should they have stayed together for us? No. The fighting was just as bad as my Dad moving out. Could they have worked it out if they tried harder? Damn straight. My husband’s parents separated when he was 4 and both fully admit they should have never been together in the first place, they were mutually using each other. Do I hold them both responsible for some of the issues my husband has dealt with in the past? Abso-freakin’-lutely. Divorce is a lose-lose situation for everyone involved.
The only thing that would lead me to consider divorce would be physical violence. But, I also wouldn’t think about marrying someone if that was even a fraction of an idea either.
I believe couples who get married and have children have an obligation to themselves and their children to do EVERYTHING in their power to work it out, because, for whatever reason they chose to get married in the first place, at that point making it work becomes their responsibility. I think I probably take my marriage as seriously as I do, and realize that it takes as much work as it does because I’ve watched so many fail.
At the risk of ticking people off, excepting situations that involve physical and emotional abuse, I think divorce is a cop-out for things being “too hard.” A committment is a committment. Period. Don’t make it unless you REALLY mean it, with all of your being. I was raised hearing “You’re only as good as your word” and as much as it’s a cliche, it’s also a way to go through life with some integrity. I would never have married my husband if I thought we weren’t both giving it everything we have.
Okay, I’m done now.
June 9th, 2006 at 11:25 am
not being married, I’m coming from a kids perspective too. my parents divorced when I was 12 and they said they just fell out of love with each other. that was good enough for me, but my bf of 6 1/2 years just broke up with me and forced me to think about why or how people may fall out of love with each other – and I think it isn’t really that simple, I think it is more of a “not committed to self or relationship or other person truly enough to make the huge effort that is required to build a common life together.” I don’t think people fall out of love, I think they stop cherishing each other.
June 9th, 2006 at 11:36 am
Ooooh. Such a heavy subject.
I’m a firm believer that nothing is black and white. One family working hard to keep themselves together ‘for the kids’ might work out favorably. Another could be completely different. I just don’t think you can standardize these things.
June 9th, 2006 at 8:16 pm
AMEN – as to what Merededeux wrote… every point! I agree!!! My honey-man and his ex- have a very civil, even ‘loving’ relationship still – it helps NO ONE to fight, be mean, bicker, resist cooperation; to disrespect and to not care about one another – – they’re both parents still, even if they’re not married anymore. It’s hard for the boy-O, he not understanding at all what could have been so bad for them to split, having been too young at the time to comprehend the issues at hand, but his mother’s happier, as is his father now… only time will tell, as to how he’ll adjust, accept or deny the current and/or future circumstances.
June 10th, 2006 at 3:47 pm
My parents are divorced. I am absolutely the reason their marriage was destroyed. Their trying to have a baby is what destroyed it. I don’t take it personally anymore. When I was growing up though, and they were still married, it was hell for all of us, and I am very glad they got divorced. It was very hard not having a father around, and I was often stigmatized because we were living in a very conservative community. Never once did I dream of them getting back together. My parents do not have a good relationship even now. I cannot imagine what life would be like if they were still married.
I am not a fan of “trying to make it work for the kids,” since I’ve never met a family where that worked out for the best. I do not doubt that there are families where it has worked out though, I just think it can be dangerous to force a structure onto something that doesn’t fit that structure.
I guess my point is that I think it’s best that the family find a framework that works for them. My mother left for our safety, but my father is a different person in his marriage now. We’re all happier for it. My parents tried to make it work for so long but it failed in the long run, but we are the better for it.
June 11th, 2006 at 7:13 pm
My parents have a happy marriage and did all throughout my childhood and that was a wonderful thing for me to grow up around.
I have been through a divorce – after a long relationship but short marriage, and it was hellish. Of course it didn’t help that I was married to SATAN! But I can only imagine how much worse it would’ve been had we had a child, and I am glad that we did not – glad that I never have to deal with him again, glad that he is not a father to any child of mine.
Staying together for the kids – I am married because of my daughter. I always said that getting married because you’re pregnant isn’t a good reason – but I had other reasons. Love. It isn’t all roses and moony eyes now but I still feel we’re a happy family and I want my daughter to be a part of that so long as we have at least that… then married I will be,
Divorce is hard… as is marriage.
Not very coherent probably but there you have it:)