ramblings about fidelity

I can’t count anymore how many people I know who are divorcing, have divorced or are experiencing marital difficulties. I hear about a new couple breaking up weekly. Frankly, I’m not sure if my heart can break anymore. I can’t stop thinking about the husbands who have betrayed their wives, the wives who have betrayed their husbands, the parents who have betrayed their children. I feel a little betrayed myself. Neither Jim nor I have parental examples to look to so I find myself looking to others I respect to see how a marriage should work. Who are we supposed to look to anymore?

Mark Driscoll talks about how a lot of Christians stay far away from sin because they don’t want to become sucked into it. But it’s the people who are right up in sin’s face that know exactly why they would never want to participate. He talks about living in a neighborhood with drug dealers and users, watching them throw their lives in the toilet and knowing that he never wanted that for his life.

I’ve experienced adultery in every aspect of my life except my own marriage. I’ve seen the destruction infidelity brings close up and I want nothing to do with it. Sometimes being married is not all peaches and cream, sometimes I am attracted to other people, sometimes I am certain that my life is not what I want. But I know for certain that a moment of pleasure is not worth the end of my life as I know it now. I know that the covenant that I made with my husband and the promise that I’ve made to my children is WAY, WAY more important than ANYTHING else in my life. I know that acting on my emotions is the most unwise thing I could do. I’ve gotten right in the face of it and I KNOW that I couldn’t and won’t willingly break the people I love.

What more can I say? I just send my plea out into the cosmos, to all the people who are married: I beg you, please, stay faithful to your family. Even if you don’t have kids, your life effects EVERYONE. Your choices effect everyone. Please prove to the world that selflessness is still possible, that promises still mean something, that pleasure is not our number one goal. Please.

Category: marriage, ouch 11 comments »

11 Responses to “ramblings about fidelity”

  1. krystyn

    I think most people are inherently loyal or prone to stray. I rarely hear of someone who has cheated and thought “wow, I never imagined they’d do something like that”.

    I think people who cheat know their tendencies. The problem is, I think some of them marry because they think it will in some way “force” them to stop this behavior. Unfortunately, I think it only makes it worse, because they feel “stuck”.

    You know that you couldn’t and won’t willingly break the people you love. In my experience, cheaters don’t look at it that way. They think they can keep it from the people they love, and that helps subside the guilt.

  2. sarahgrace

    Well said, my dear. Hear, hear.

  3. Cher

    Nothing to add except May God richly bless you.

  4. KB

    Sometimes divorce or breakups are due to things other than infidelity/cheating. There can be other differences and problems in marriages that also may cause separation between couples. I know that many christians might not agree, since they have vowed for better or worse. But sometimes these things just happen, or are maybe beyond ones control (it does take two willing people to make a relationship work.)

    I understand that it can be hard not to judge, we all do it. I’m totally against infidelity %100, but I do believe their can be other causes for divorce. I just believe that everyones situation is different and it’s not the best idea to generalize.

    I just wanted to throw that out. I’m not trying to start a debate or anything. I really do respect you Allison. You seem like a wonderful wife and mother.

    Again please know I’m not judging you or your words. I’ve always enjoyed your blog. I love seeing your creativity, reading your weekly menus, and of course hearing your cute kid stories. I’m just throwing out alternative thoughts and ideas.

  5. Brooke

    Divorce and infidelity are such difficult topics, I don’t know ANYONE who has not been touched or affected in some way by divorce. The statistic that more than half of all marriages end in divorce is something that you can hear and maybe say “whoa”, but when you think that half of my friends will end up getting divorced, that makes it a real!

    I agree that infidelity is an act of selfishness, putting your wants, needs and desires above that of your commitment and promise to your spouse and children. Like KB said it is not the only reason for divorce, and in some, yes some cases divorce might be the only option.

  6. Cher

    I have been young and am now old. I have lived through the anguish of adultry for myself and also in the lives of friends. I feel your anguish Allison.

  7. Jill

    Well I agree and yet I am pushed on by couples that I see push on through the crap whether it be infidelity or an illness or death of a child, financial debt etc. I look at couples like Isaac and I and I remind myself that there IS hope and there ARE still couples who choose to live and love no matter what life brings our way. I guess just be encouraged by that :)

  8. Kari

    Amen sista. We just had a run in ourselves where I talked about calling it quits and after hearing those words come out of my mouth, I realized how far from the truth they were. I don’t want to share my children, I don’t want to wake up without my husband next to me and I can’t imagine my life without him. We had a long talk and realized where our shortcomings are and how we can work on them with one another and separately. Divorce just isn’t an option in our house. My family means to much to me darnit.
    But to KB, I can see your point. I think if people are in a dangerous situation, it may not be an option to stay…but thankfully, I’ve never been faced with that in my own home. Very near to me, but not my own home.

    Love those spouses;date them, dote on them, make them feel like they’re the only man for you. Treat them the way we expect to be treated and honor them. Be proud of them. Simply put, love them for all that they are, not all that you wish they were.

  9. carrington schaeffer

    so true, friend.

    i’m with you. everyone seems to be getting divorced. seth and i aren’t going to!!! don’t worry!

  10. Christy

    Love Mark. We went to his church here in Seattle until about a year ago, when we moved south. Glad to hear you listen to him!
    Good insight.

  11. pretendingsanity »

    […] It’s been a difficult week for me. And of course I can’t write about much of it. I continue to be frustrated that I can’t turn to this blog when I really need it. And I really don’t know what to do… I’m seriously about to say eff it all and write whatever the hell I want. (And you thought I already did that!) […]

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