giving thanks
I can’t believe it’s been over a week since I blogged. I think that’s the longest I’ve ever gone without blogging since I started almost 3 years ago. The problem has been (along with being super busy) that the only thing on my mind to talk about is the only thing I can’t talk about. (And I’m sorry for being so mysterious, I hate it when people tell me they have a secret they can’t tell me, but I’m about to explode – this is my most precious outlet.)
Earlier this week I found myself in one of the most difficult situations I’ve ever been in. I was out of town to help someone I love that needed me. Very quickly I was at the point where I was totally overwhelmed. I was away from my family and I tried calling everyone I knew in the town I was in. I just wanted to be with someone stable and normal. I needed help regaining my outlook. When I couldn’t find anyone, I sat in my car and bawled… repeatedly. I felt so alone.
I went on my trip looking for hope. The cards have fallen the wrong way in this situation and I had finally found some semblance of hope. And I wasn’t about to let go of it. When my hopes were quickly smashed into a million tiny pieces, I didn’t know what to do. I was so sure that God was going to come through for us.
I came home Tuesday from this seemingly hopeless situation and at first I was mad. I was mad that the person I was trying to help had gotten in this situation to begin with. I was mad that even though I was offering and willing to help, I wasn’t being allowed to. I was mad that my wisdom was being dismissed when I had fought SO hard to get that tiny amount of wisdom from God. I was mad that it seemed like I had wasted my precious time.
I came home exhausted, completely emotionally drained and so thankful to fall into the arms of my family. I found myself with so many things to be thankful for, but having a hard time giving thanks. I needed God to be there for me, desperately, and he wasn’t. He wasn’t there for me the way I wanted him to be. I felt so hopeless.
But I still have to believe that God will come through for us, but I don’t know how and I don’t know when. All I know is that he is the only possible hope. There is NO other way, no other hope. And I realize that it’s not going to happen on my terms, it’s not going to be MY way no matter how much I need it to be. Maybe that is what faith is: when all other hope is stripped away, when there is no other way for things to be made right – God is the only hope. He is simultaneously the easiest and hardest hope to hang onto.
So I guess that on this day of giving thanks, even though the possibility of hope seems so remote, I’m thankful that I still have it to hang onto. And trust me, I’ve got a death grip.
Category: ouch 11 comments »
November 23rd, 2006 at 4:39 pm
Praying for you Allison – that is EXACTLY what faith is dear, when all seems lost trust that He he’s not – because he never is. God is there waiting for us to really let go and let him in. So many times I have thought that I was being faithful and trusting. When I look back at those situations I realize how crazy I was to think I was giving God the chance to “prove” somthing to me. I dont think that is what you are doing, but that was what I was doing – man was I wrong.. :) hope things turn around for you and that His way will be shown to you.. LOVE YA!!!!
November 23rd, 2006 at 6:31 pm
I hope you find your resolution soon. I don’t know if this helps, but sometimes silence is the answer.
November 23rd, 2006 at 7:10 pm
Very well and beautifully said, my dear.
November 23rd, 2006 at 9:35 pm
Allison ~ you and your family are in my thoughts. You will get through this (whatever it may be).
November 23rd, 2006 at 10:11 pm
Sending you a hug…
November 24th, 2006 at 6:34 am
I’m praying for you guys. It’s so hard to walk through a Hebrews 11 moment but God remains faithful even when we don’t see it. Hang in there.
November 24th, 2006 at 11:28 pm
Okay I’m dying to know what you’re up to.
Here’s my ideas (given they’re wild, but look who their coming from right), I was telling Isaac on the way to lunch.
I think Allison is…
1. Going to be on Martha Stewart
2. Opening a “CHAIN” knitting store
3. Pregnant
Okay they’re probably all wrong but it was fun guessing.
Also saying a big prayer for you right now. LOVE YA!
November 25th, 2006 at 5:33 pm
Hey Allison,
we missed you soooo much at thanksgiving. Sorry that we couldn’t break turkey together;) Love the photos of the kids and your beautiful family. We got caught some with your mom and sis. They are so proud of what you have done with your store, Jim’s business and of course they couldn’t say enough about Eden and Honor. Big hugs. In regards to above, I am sorry for your pain, life can be so darn complicated and tough. There is always better days to come, I promise. Not sure how this works so I’ll just submit it and hope for the best. Take care
Love Aunt Julie
November 25th, 2006 at 6:22 pm
Hugs from Michigan. Sometimes signs to let go, let God show up in odd places.
November 27th, 2006 at 3:24 am
Oh my, I can tell how overwhelmed you feel in your writing. I wish there was something I, myself, could do to help. Good Luck. Many mental hugs.
December 27th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
[…] I think it was some time around November that I realized that I don’t know God. I was expecting him to do something for me. Actually not for me, but for someone I love. I was certain that he was going to come through, certain that I saw the way he wanted things. I was wrong. Or human mistakes messed up what God wanted, but things did not turn out the way I expected. And after 20 years of being a “Christian”, I found myself further away from knowing him than ever. And it wasn’t that he wasn’t there, it was that I deluded myself into thinking that all the “good” and “righteous” things I’ve done in my life were a replacement for knowing who he is. […]