Sometimes I think of my heart as a 3d printer. Every message I hear, verbal or non, prints a thin, little layer on top of the other building up these castles inside me. Some are fortresses, dark and foreboding. Others are open, light, welcoming, safe.
I think we start our lives in the world whole, believing our worth, knowing deep in us that we are worthy. And message after message comes printing a thin, little layer and the printer arm passes, layer upon layer telling us you aren’t worth it. You aren’t worth it. You aren’t worth it. They keep coming, people keep saying with their actions (or inactions), their words – you aren’t worth it to me.
I think I’ve internalized so many of these words that not only are there castles built up in my heart, but there are cases built up too – against those sending the messages. I’m not worth it to you? It prints another layer. It builds up and up and up and my pain turns into resentment and anger and hurt and there is just so much. I’ve been let down, left, just so many times that sometimes I can barely see the light. The dark fortresses are taking over.
It’s not good. I don’t want to be like this. It seems so unfair to be the one who’s been damaged and then to be the one who has to deal with the destruction that holding onto the hurt brings. I need to forgive. It’s very hard. And the hits just keep on coming. The cases are strong. And it hurts. That 3D printer just keeps on printing. And I need to make it stop. For my own good, I have to make it stop.