It’s been a tough week. A judgmental week. I posted last week what a hard time I was having with Honor. Which he quickly proved by making us go to the hospital. Well, nothing has really changed. Things just kind of suck. It’s hard to talk about things on my website because well, people read my website. But if I can’t say what I feel on my website, where can I say it? I need to have at least one place where I can really be myself, I need to say what I feel.

I pretty much always feel like I’m a crappy mom. There are things that I don’t do that I wish I would. I’d really like to teach Eden to recognize her letters. I really want to teach Honor more sign language. I want to be a better housekeeper, I want to be more organized and able to help more with the business. I wish I wouldn’t get so frustrated with these kids all the time too.

So feeling like I’m doing a rotten job is not helped by other peoples criticism and unwanted “advice”. I don’t know why I have a hard time with things that other people can do easily. But I do. It just makes it SO HARD to constantly have people point it out. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t leave trails of candy leading to the toilet so Honor will go play in it. And although my house is usually messy, we don’t live in a slum. I’m trying, really I am, I’m not doing great, but telling me so (or emailing me so) doesn’t help anything. It’s hard enough doing this without feeling like the whole world thinks I’m doing a bad job of it.

I don’t understand why, after I already admitted that I am having a hard time. certain people will go and kick me while I’m down. I don’t need to be told what I already know. I already know it. I don’t need the judgmental eye of the superior looking down on me. I’m doing a good enough job of judging myself.