With me working full time while I get things running smoothly at the store, I’ve been experiencing all sorts of rotating emotions about not staying home with the kids. Mostly my emotions switch between enjoyment and guilt. I enjoy my time away from them. I enjoy being in a space that isn’t constantly being destroyed, a space that is quiet and peaceful. I enjoy the fact that I get to be anal about where things go, and those things actually stay where I left them.

But I also feel guilty. I feel guilty for leaving them, but I guess more than anything, I feel guilty because I enjoy not being a stay at home mom. I’ve always had such strong feelings about being a stay at home mom, that I look at myself now and know that four years ago, I would have judged my present self harshly. As I’ve eaten so many judgments thus far in my almost 25 years of living, I’ve come to view the verse in the bible, “Judge not lest you be judged.” differently. It’s more like, “Judge not lest you be judged by yourself.”

How many things have I stood up and loudly declared my opinion on, later to go the exact opposite direction? A lot. And I know that I’m going to do so on a lot more… How many people have I looked down my nose at, only to become that same person? And I wonder… will I remember this in the future? When there is someone just begging to be judged, will I be able to refrain? Or will I be eating my words once again?

In the meantime, I will hope that I am doing the right thing by my children. I know many people that would tell me that I am not, were I to ask them. And many people that would say that I’m finally not wasting my brain by staying home with them (gah!) but I guess, I’m the only one to decide that. And I wish that was something I realized four years ago when I was passing judgments on others for deciding/needing to work.