I have recently decided to take a break from the forum that I post on. (Names have been changed to protect the…. whatever.) It’s funny how people I don’t even know have the power to hurt me! What kind of baby am I? That I get hurt by “words on a screen.”
It just makes me feel alone.
My mom always said that it seems like the one thing you truly want in life is the one thing that you never get. For me that one thing is a really, really good friend. I do have one good friend, but she has a very demanding job and a family and it is understandable that I am not #1 on her priority list. I just want someone who I can go to when I am sad or having a hard time. Someone who I can let know the deep secrets of my heart. While Jim is most of that to me, he is a boy and compassion is definetly not his strong suit.
I think that is why the girls on my forum have hurt me. I have always wanted a group of friends. I have always wanted to be the odd man in, not out.
When I was little and we first moved into our neighborhood, I rode my bike around asking all the girls my age if they would be my friend. I still vividly remember the girl at the end of the street telling me that she would think about it. The next day I rode over there to get her decision and the answer was no. That pretty much sums up the course of my friendships.
Last night I went with Jim the the church for P&W practice (I am singing Sunday) and as I sat there with the 3 other girls, I felt totally out of place. They were twittering among themsleves and I had nothing to say. I hate that I am unfriendly. But it’s not like I start out to be unfriendly, I just have nothing to say. I think I am shy-er than I think I am.
I hate having flash backs to my more awkward high school years. Always thinking, I want to be friends with them, but I don’t know how. I just don’t know how.

Wahh, Wahh. You’d think it was that time of the month or something!