I’ve always had a hard time writing about things that don’t make me look like a person who has it all together. My whole life I’ve been concerned about peoples perception of me. I wanted to be percieved as a great student – but I didn’t care about my school work. I wanted to be perceived as a great Christian – and while God is the cornerstone of my life, many times my words and actions were what I thought a Good Christian Girl should be saying and doing. God hates lip service. I don’t think that God is trying to fit us each into a little Christian shaped box, he made us who we are and that’s who he expects us to be.

I think that every parent wants to be perceived as being great at what they do, as never having a difficult time with their children, as always loving their job – and it’s hard, you never want someone to think that you’re not great at parenting because your children become the core of who you are. I have a harder time being a mom than some people do.

I think perhaps money is the hardest thing to be honest about. I think everyone wants to appear that they are financially All That. It’s some sort of mega status symbol – and why? It could be gone tomorrow. It’s more than that, money is how you survive, it’s how you define your lifestyle. It’s how you send your kids to swimming lessons or your husband to the doctor. It’s what decides what kind of house you live in, what kind of car you drive, what kind of clothes you wear. It determines your success in life. Everyone wants to appear to have it, and nobody does. We can get to the point in our life where we’re honest about every other aspect of life, but never money. Why? Why can’t I say, I’m more worried about how we’re going to pay for Jim to go to the doctor than finding out what’s actually wrong with him?

Maybe it’s because we fear judgment more than failure.

And I’m tired of it. I can only be myself and I am not going to apologize for that anymore. I can only live MY life, and I’m not going to try and look like it’s something different than what it is. I think in life when you come to terms with WHO you are, you take a stand on that person. That is the point where you cannot change the way you are perceived, because you’re committed to being yourself. I think I’m nearing that point. And it’s a good thing.