Yesterday Amy and I made another round of strawberry rhubarb jam. From 16lbs of strawberries we got about 40 pints of jam which was 11-12 batches! Amy has a rhubarb plant, so she has been saving up several harvests for Jam Day. Strawberry Rhubarb might possibly be my favorite combination of fruit – it always reminds me of the amazing Strawberry Rhubarb pies that my grandma makes.

Amy and I have canned so much together that we operate like a well oiled machine, we each have our jobs to do and do them together in great harmony. I always ladle, she always wipes the rims and places lids and rings. Whenever I have to can without her, I HATE it and swear that I’ll never do it without her again.

I love that.

Next I’m dreaming of Peach Lavender Butter. mmmm…

Last night we were at a BBQ with some friends and this fantastic beetle found it’s way into someone’s car. Honor was so impressed with it that I let him take it home. I’m pretty sure that it’s a California Prionus.

Luckily for me, Honor had the brilliant idea to see if the Math and Science Center would want the beetle. (I think this beast freaked him out a little bit.) So today we dropped off Cockroach, the beetle, to his new home. Honor was thrilled that they were going to keep the name he chose. And that he will be able to visit his buddy frequently as soon as school starts again. The biologist at the Math and Science Center said that beetles like this live most of their life as grubs and that this guy will probably only live life as a beetle for about 4 months. Fascinating. I’m so glad that it’s not living with me anymore.

Photos by Seth Schaeffer

I am constantly reminded of how important it is to live right in the moment. I try so hard to skip ahead and I am always snapped back to the “right now”, as if on a rubber band. The lessons I’ve learned and continue to learn are SO important to who I will be for the rest of my life – I can’t regret them. I can’t deny them a place in my life. The complexity of what I have been through is sometimes breathtaking. And the simplicity of it too: My life fell apart and God saved me. He was always the only one who could.

So I keep learning my lessons. I run ahead and am pulled back and I remember why that is so important. I remember that I am safe and that I am taken care of. I remember to trust, to walk forward, one step at a time instead of in leaps and bounds, even if I can’t quite see where I’m going. I remember that if I keep my eyes on Jesus, I won’t sink.

I’m just so thankful.

A couple of weeks ago I picked all of my peas – this years harvest totaled two quarts of shelled peas. They were delicious. Not near enough to freeze, as I had hoped, but still super delicious and fun to grow. I’ve got 4 tomato plants waiting to plant and I should get a few more things in the ground, I’ve just been really busy. Being a member of the community garden is nice because I don’t have to rely on my little plot to keep us in veggies for the summer/canning.

I also have some perennial herbs along the side of the yard, lavendar, sage, oregano, rosemary and mint. They are all doing well and I plan to just let them take over that area. mmm.

On the 4th, the kids and I spent the entire day with Jim. And it didn’t feel weird at all. I will always love Jim because he is my kids dad and I will always choose to love him, but I don’t want him anymore. Part of me wishes I did, that there was some amount of fight left in me for this marriage, but I am just so done. It is just so over.

And for me, I’m really fine about all of this. We can still raise our kids together, we can still be friends and have family dinner on Sundays, we can still hang out on a raft in the river with a bunch of our friends and it not be awkward. I’m thankful for that. I’m thankful that I can still keep a little piece of Jim – that I haven’t lost him entirely.

I’m thankful that I can move on too. That I’m not living in limbo anymore, that I have the chance to have a real marriage again someday, that things can finally be different after they were the same for SO long. I’m thankful that I’m healthy and SO happy, happier than I’ve been in so long – which I know sounds strange considering the place I’m at. But I am.

I hope that it stays this way. Right now it’s pretty good. I hope that bringing new people into our lives doesn’t change things for the worse but the better. And I hope that we can always be able to watch the fireworks with the kids together.

Saturday was my cousin’s big in-town wedding and we had such a blast! I usually feel this big letdown after weddings – there is so much planning and work that goes into just a couple of hours. But this wedding was SO much fun and went SO well that I felt like it was all totally worth it.

The ceremony was so laid-back and special. The kids totally behaved and the twinzies even let Honor pull them down the aisle in a red wagon. Cat Mayer photographed the wedding and I’m sure the photos are going to be totally amazing. The food was delicious and the DJ was super fun – at one point every single person at the reception was in the conga line.

Overall, it was a great day and Alyssa and Scott were thoroughly celebrated.

The kids have been struggling some. Honor shows it the most in his behavior. It’s been a real challenge for me to remain patient and consistent. Right now, managing them has been such a constant job. I know it’s tricky for smaller kids who feel sad but don’t know how to process it so they just end up acting out. Eden has an easier time of vocalizing how she is feeling, but struggles more with going back and forth between the two houses. I tried so hard to protect them from this.

My friend Carrie has been such a Godsend in their lives. She is like the fun older sister and they just LOVE her. She tucks them in whenever she is at our house during bed time and reads stories will all the really good voices. She also can get through to them in ways that I never can.

I’m just realizing how much it really does take a village to raise kids and how important it is for me to let other people help and step in and impart things to my kids that I can’t. Honor has been craving dude-time now that he lives with a bunch of girls (something that he complains about frequently) and it has been wonderful to see different guys in our lives step in to hang out with him.

I’m kind of in the trenches right now with these two, but I know that God has a plan for us, something good, and I think my kids are starting to believe that too.